It’s hard to describe how my yoga has changed in the last few months with all the changes to my beloved Anusara but alas all things change so better to let go and let things flow than to cling with a death grip. Here is what I know now, I miss Anusara! I miss John! I miss his teachings! I miss the kula! I miss planing my next training adventure! I miss the certification process! There are things I don’t miss too but nothing worth mentioning at present.
During my practice this morning I noticed that I don’t feel like I have the same support backing me up anymore. Where did it go? Is is gone or has it just changed? To me it feels much more independent and unsure. I was struggling and I really had to go back into my heart to figure out what I was feeling. Easier not to do this work is what came to the surface, and as quickly as it came a deeper knowing that this is my dharma wiped it out.
For a long time my intention was fueled to be a thriving and interconnected being in the Anusara community and since everything has changed that part seems to have gone missing from my practice for now. I wanted to be certified for many reasons, a landmark I could be proud of in my life, an accomplishment, an accreditation, a recognition, for my ego, for my heart. Every single thing I have done in the last 7 years has been in deep devotion to this certification.
My deepest gratitude goes out to the teachers on the battleground, doing the difficult work of resolving conflict and trying to repair a massive rupture in what seemed so solid and in the exact same moment perhaps mending their own broken hearts. . I’m a runner, always have been and it’s my go-to default when conflicts arises. I choose to run, to find high ground so I can get a bird’s-eye view of the battlefield and only return when the bloodshed has stopped and I feel safe.
I don’t feel safe yet with Anusara and don’t know if that possibility is even real anymore. Instead I want to remember what Grace is! How she supports me, how she loves me, how she empowers me to step up and do the hard work, how to move beyond fear and how to respond to life in courageous ways. The definition from John, rattles around my head “Grace is the power of the universe that reveals your true nature.” Of course that’s what Grace is but it feels different now.
My first drop back in a while was filled with uncertainty, fear, aversion, and my breath was shallow and quick. Bam, I come crashing down onto my wrists, unlike the drop back I am capable of. The second one bam, even more fear, less breath. The third one I paused, took a deep breath and did it for the kula, from my heart, as a symbol of my connection to them and to my highest Self and I let myself fall back into Grace’s very sweet, strong and capable hands, I landed like a feather and tears came to my eyes.
My lesson this week is to allow myself to fall into Grace whenever I need to! Not easy when so many things block her power out and my fear of the unknown pushes her far away. From my heart I call her back into my life, into my practice, into my teaching, into my community so that I may serve in the best way that I can. When I forget about the power of Grace, I am forgetting who I really am and I never want to forget that but when I do and then I remember again, I am filled with peace, love and bliss.
We can’t do this on our own! I need to remind myself that I was never meant to do this all on my own. I need the support of my beloved, my friends, my family and my community to live my life in a valuable, authentic and powerful way. I am a warrior but I need my army!
May all beings everywhere feel the support of Grace always,