I just arrived home after being gone for almost a month. I had to take down all of my Holiday decorations and memories of the last year came flooding back. I thought about the loose ends I left behind in 2012. I know I am not alone when I disclose that 2012 was a very difficult year. The past year was heart wrenching at times. I saw my yoga school dissolve in a very painful way, our studio closed and my dog got sick. These are all things close to my heart and evidently hurt the most.
The year started with Anusara. Accusations, scandal, denial, then truth and a very difficult decision to move on. I was at the beginning of my certification with Anusara that I began in 2004 and by May I realized that it was no longer a worthwhile possibility for me to continue. The dissolution of Anusara impacted many of the people I have been so lucky to have meet over the last 8 years. I have learned so much from Anusara, but I have also learned more important lessons like never give someone my power or get myopic in my vision of the world. I have forgiven John but consciously choose not to support him in any way, especially financially. I have lost some dear friends over this which is almost the worst part.
When the reality of what happened in my yoga school hit I feel into a deep depression, I read the Gita from front to back looking for answers and came up short. I felt my heart break and it won’t be the first time in a very powerful and tumultuous year. In my own way I choose not to make any decisions until at least May because I really wanted to hear all sides of the story. As the details came out, I unravelled. What I saw as one of the most aligned communities I have ever been a part of break apart at the seem and the aftermath revealed the ugly truth.
Time heals all wounds and I found a new sense of freedom when I released trying to become a perfect yoga teacher. It took a while but I put so much pressure on myself I was out of the moment. It wouldn’t be the first time in the year that I questioned being a yoga teacher. At the end of September another blow to the heart, our studio would close.
As I look back I am not happy with my response to life’s lessons. I was in a very dark place, and it was a powerful reminder that my past wasn’t so far off, in fact it was right in front of me staring me down, demanding attention. The dark place that I had lived in for so many years was back and it totally sucked the life out of me. I had a hard time getting up, my body ached, I went to bed at 7pm and woke up at 10am. I laid on the couch staring a the ceiling, thinking, wondering, and feeling totally pathetic and upset that all my years of yoga were not enough to shake me out of this funk.
My rocky road with food came back full force. I had no desire to eat, I felt wasted. I lost control of everything else I mine as well find some control with what I put in my body or rather did not put in my body. Upset again that the thousands of hours I have spent on my mat seemed useless. I truly felt yoga had lead me down a dead end road. The depression didn’t last one or two days, but rather a month. I saw the ever familiar worry flood the eyes of my best friend and husband who had only heard stories about the old Mindy but was now first hand experiencing her and it wasn’t pretty. His concern and confused was painful but not enough to pull me out of the darkness of my mind and my broken heart.
So here I am in 2013 after spending two weeks in Costa Rica. The sky is grey and dark, I miss the sun that just made me feel better. Looking back at last year is helping me to move forward. The realization that I have always known is that transitions are not comfortable. It’s easy to stay stuck, take the easy road to go back to sleep but I am not that person and I never will be. I am awake, I am conscious and because of that I know that I am free. Transitions lead to transformation and that is exactly what has happened to me, I have changed.Looking back at last year is helping me to move forward.
I want to let go, forgive myself. Acknowledge that I am not a perfect person, I do not always use my mouth wisely with my words, I do not handle stress that well, I still have issues with food and control. If anything yoga wipes my slate clean and I get to try again. I don’t need to be perfect, I am already whole and complete as I am. I choose to remain humble, and open so I can learn, heal and grow. My wish is to inspire the light in others and I feel confident to do this because I know how to honour my shadow.
If you are reading my words thank you for taking your time to be my friend and care, I only wish to return the same energy back to you!